Never use email for emotionally charged issues

Kearns writes about the time Lincoln was very angry with General Meade for not pursuing the confederates after beating them at Gettysburg. She reports that “Lincoln held back, as he often did when he was upset or angry, waiting for his emotions to settle. In the end, he placed the letter in an envelope inscribed: ‘To General Meade, never sent or signed.’” Lincoln saw that expressing anger in writing is never productive. He did convey his sentiments through his team but in verbal form not written. Lincoln got his point across, changed Meade’s behavior, and ultimately modeled for his staff how to handle conflicts.

Stick to the issue. Don’t personalize matters.

Lincoln selected cabinet members who were formidable rivals of his such as Salmon Chase (Treasury Secretary), Edwin Stanton (Secretary of War), William Seward (Secretary of State), and Edward Bates (Attorney General). Most of them excoriated Lincoln prior to his election because they felt he was not the best choice for the country. Conflict continued and tempers flared within his cabinet even up to his re-election. In speaking with one of his opponents, Lincoln states “You have more of that feeling of personal resentment than I. A man has not time to spend half his life in quarrels. If any man ceases to attack me, I never remember the past against him.”

Allow for the possibility that you are wrong

In a letter to General Ulysses S. Grant, President Lincoln admits being wrong on a strategic military route during the Civil War to capture Vicksburg, Mississippi. This was an important victory. President Lincoln wrote, "I now wish to make the personal acknowledgment that you were right, and I was wrong." Lincoln was exceedingly humble yet tenacious in finding the best solution even if it meant admitting he was wrong.

I hope this gives you a few tips that might help the next time you’re in conflict with someone in the business setting. Please share with us any stories or tips that you’ve found helps turn conflict into constructive action.

One thing our former boss Bruno taught me was never hash through the tough stuff in email. Save difficult conversations for face to face, real time. You have something critical to say? Do it in person where you can soften the tone. Also never put anything in an email that you wouldn't want falling into the wrong hands. That was the lawyer in him, I think, but it really makes sense. Great post Sridhar!

Posted by: Elise Bauer | March 13, 2009 10:57 PM

Very timely Sridhar. I think we have all been running into an increased number of tense situations given the current business environment. I know many of our clients are working in much higher than normal stress environments and that has a risk of impacting our relationships with them and also our relationships with each other.

I have had several people whose counsel I value suggest to me to maintain perspective and try to keep a longer term view. Taking extra effort to force oneself not to get too caught up in or reactive too the day to day battles. It is tough at times but a good thing to keep in mind.

Posted by: Jeff Thompson | March 17, 2009 11:40 AM

Sridhar, this idea of Conflict is healthy but how you handle conflict can be the difference between success and failure in achieving your business objects appears to be important in these days. Here is a story that I would like to share with you : An itinerant sage came to a village whose inhabitants were terrorized by a snake which had bitten several of them. The holy man adjured the serpent not to bite people. Some time later, the sage returned to the village and found the snake badly battered and close to death.” what happened to you? He asked .The snake replied.” I stopped biting people like you told me to, and the villagers lost fear of me and attacked me.” The sage shook his head.” You fool, I told you to stop biting. Did I tell you to stop hissing?

Posted by: Amit K Srivastava | August 18, 2009 12:02 AM