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March 15, 2007
On Giving Tough Feedback
by Sridhar Ramanathan
If you’re an executive you’ve probably done share your share of “coaching” (best case) or “cussing” (worst case) when an employee or peer has done something that you strongly disapprove. As consultants, we have the luxury to speak out if we think our client is making a big mistake or doing something that we do not “approve” because we see a better solution. This last week a CEO wrote me “it is not often that one comes across an individual who is able, capable and willing to provide such direct feedback. I appreciate it and am truly glad of it.” It made me stop and think what is it that really works when giving people tough feedback or in handling conflict. Here are the steps I personally take when dealing with conflict between two people or when having to provide hard feedback.
Ask permission to offer input
Which approach do you think works better: 1) stating “let me tell you why you’re wrong” or 2) “would you like input on your approach?” Clearly by asking permission you set up a willingness to listen. If they say “no” then, as hard as it may be for you, hold your tongue. They will learn their own lesson another time. If they say “yes” then proceed to the next step.
State your commitment; appeal to their character
Start with affirming this person’s character. Very briefly tell them what it is that you admire in them. I told the CEO that I see him as a person of integrity and honesty but that frankly this particular action/behavior seemed way out of character. I even told him how I felt—disappointed. That got his attention. I went on to tell him that my commitment was to support him to act in ways that are consistent with his character.
Show why their approach is not optimal
The next step is to show the “coachee” how their approach is not the most effective. What works best for me is to help them visualize what it’s like to be in the shoes of the person with whom they’re in conflict. So try questions like:
- “Did your approach work for you?”
- “If you were in their shoes, how do you think you’d feel?”
- “What outcome are you intending here?”
The idea here is not to shame them into submission but to help them see how their actions affect others and to stir some compassion.
Offer an alternative, more effective approach
Now’s your opportunity to offer your recommended approach or alternatives. You could simply tell them what you think they should do or, better yet, ask a question like: “what other approaches do you think would be more effective?” Brainstorm with them a number of options as to how else they can handle this conflict or situation. This should be a freeing exercise.
Acknowledge progress; hold accountable
Finish the feedback session by acknowledging them for gracefully accepting coaching on this topic. Then extract a specific commitment to action. Follow up later to see how they are doing. Did they try a new approach and get better or worse results? Did they ignore your inputs and fall down on their commitment? Show you care by holding them to account. The world will be better for it.
I’ll close with a nice line from the Star Wars episode “Attack of the Clones” in which Queen Amidala says to Anakin Skywalker (Jedi in training) "Mentors have a way of seeing more of our faults than we would like. It's the only way we grow.”
Posted March 15, 2007 | Permalink
Posted to Leadership
Hi Sridhar, As long as I've known you (several years now) you've demonstrated great ability to give people feedback in a gentle and effective manner. You are a role model to me in this area. I should really tattoo your advice on my hand so I can refer to it easily. I have a hard enough time refraining from saying "stop being such an idiot", which as you can imagine is not the best way to create a receptive audience for my message. Old habits die hard.
Posted by: Elise | April 13, 2007 9:34 PM